On
dating after 4 years
… and
why it only lasted 4 months
When
my marriage ended, I thought that was it as far as allowing anyone
close to me ever again. It took 4 years to recover from it
emotionally. And then one day, some ten months ago I looked up and
started noticing things again. Friends and family began saying it's
time you met someone, you have so much love to give.
I
joined an online dating website and met a charismatic man. We chatted
for 2 months, met in person, hit it off and dated for 4 months. In
that short space of time we broke up 5 times.
I
ended it each time because he would fly off the handle when he
couldn't reach me, became verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive,
raged that I treated him like an option not a priority, and
repeatedly accused me of seeing, dating, sleeping with scores of
other men.
Each
time he swore it wouldn't happen again. But of course it did. Again
and again. That's when I realised I was in a relationship with a
'Controller', so I took back control and ended it for good.
Looking
back there were definite signs that he was a 'Controller'. They're
easy to spot if you know what to look out for. Acquaint yourself with
the signs and help raise awareness or warn those you care about
against entering into relationships with individuals exhibiting these
disturbing traits.
12
SIGNS YOU'RE IN A CONTROLLING RELATIONSHIP
1. Love at first sight
He
wants to get serious immediately. Wants to date exclusively after
just one date and proposes marriage after two months. This is not
normal or healthy behaviour. Healthy relationships need time to
develop and grow.
2.
Overwhelms you
He
is extremely attentive and showers you with gifts and is always available
to you. He offers to take charge of all your issues or problems like
a knight in shining armour. Too good to be true? It is.
3.
Has to be involved in everything
He
wants to control every aspect of your life. He checks up on you all
day, wants to know where you are, who you're with, what you're doing,
what you're discussing. Eventually, he tells you that you can't talk
to certain friends, or talk about certain issues in public.
4.
Isolates you
He
makes you feel guilty when you're out with friends, enjoying time
with your family or experiencing something without him so that
eventually you cut down, or in some cases even stop seeing friends or
family altogether.
5.
Mean and Sweet Cycle
He
is wonderfully attentive and sweet one moment, so loving that you
believe you've met your soulmate, only to follow it up, almost
immediately, with behaviour so deviant, hurtful and mean that you're
left reeling and wondering if it is the same person.
6.
Explosive Temper
He
has a very bad temper and becomes enraged when you don't react or
behave in a certain way, or things don't turn out according to his
plan.
7.
Kills your confidence
He
critisises everything you do and works hard to break your self esteem
by constantly putting you down or questioning your actions. You end
up “walking on eggshells” always fearing you are doing or saying
something that will create a temper outburst or argument. Instead of
experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you're constantly on
edge.
8.
It’s Never Enough
He
complains that you don’t appreciate him enough, stand close enough,
are not affectionate enough, committed enough, don’t do enough for
him after all his sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of
what is expected.
9.
Discounts Feelings/Opinions
He
doesn't respect or acknowledge your opinions, feelings, decisions or
choices, yet hates it when you dare question him, and reacts
with outright anger or rage when his behavior is criticised.
10.
It's always your fault
He
blames you for his anger. It's your fault that he embarrassed you in
public, drove so fast, drank too much, or assaults an innocent
bystander. if you had not said that, smiled at that waiter when he
took your order, or questioned his behavior, it wouldn't have
happened.
11.
YOU start acting 'crazy'
He
has you so on edge that you find yourself doing “crazy” things in
self-defense. You become paranoid, or find yourself screaming or
swearing when you can't bear the stress of it anymore.
12.
Insane breakup
You
end the relationship and he goes to pieces, breaks down and
cries, begs and pleads. Promises to change, threatens to commit
suicide, to quit his job and leave the area. Stalks you, harasses you with phone
calls, sends flowers and gifts, or offers a wedding ring.
Get
out
It
takes a long time and immense effort to change a 'Controller', and
the possibility that he may never change is huge because he simply
doesn't see fault with anything he does. I didn't mention physical
abuse because I didn't experience it, but many 'Controllers' do
become violent and the longer you stay, the stronger the possibility
of him abusing you physically becomes. In extreme cases, 'Controllers'
have been known to kill their partners.
If
you go back, you're back in his grasp, effectively a prisoner and
escape next time, will be three times as difficult.
Don't
let it happen to you or anyone you care about. Recognise the signs, take back control and get
out.
Amiena
*** Don't forget to like, comment and subscribe. And if you know of any other signs to look out for then drop them in the comments below and I'll do an update.
