Mixed Bag, now and then poems

Between forked paths

Between forked paths I stand and

Waver, presented with two equal choices

Undecided indecision, rife and stifling

I am the spider web, too many radii present too many choices

I am the math equation, numerous tangents, going no where?

And why?

Because you came close

And I, in a moment unguarded bid you enter

And you lingered just… a moment

…a moment and I am marked deep within, scorched by your fire

The flame that will not be subdued

And what would I rather,

why would I rather

A choice between adoration or struggle

What sense, this dive in perversity

This fly struggles in your web spun of silk

Memories of escape have faded yet it struggles still

And …hidden at heart, is the secret unspoken thrill

My friend

i thought of you, spoke of you, dreamt of you

and almost as if i had wished it, you came

And you coming,

was a blessing and a balm

and that is how it has always been with you

time and circumstance put distance between us

but it is a physical one

no wider than the space between two heartbeats

when i said you were my friend and you said i was yours

something happened. I do not know the words to explain it,

i only know what it feels like and it is always with me.

Afterthought

After everyone has gone

After the lights of the cars have winked out of sight from your driveway

After winding roads and adventure

After pursuance of every goal

Now perhaps, there is time for the afterthought

And that is what I have become

…the afterthought

Count the days slip quietly pass

No word

No nothing

And here then, presented is the moment

A reluctant murmur to remorseful response

and earnest pledges to change

And the afterthought is for a time a forethought,

but …

times change

memory fades

and so too

the priority, to sit forlorn

how to make you realize

all that could be lost at the sun’s next rising, at the moon’s next waning

how to make you realize all that could be yours were you to only see

That girl does not live here anymore

Whispered breath caressed your name,

Golden eyes worshipped your face,

A heart filled with wonder and giving

In a moment wrung of life thrown aside

…now an empty husk.

… too much given, too much taken.

But that was a different girl.

That was a different time.

And that girl does not live here anymore.

How much you mean to me

I wish I knew how to spurn out great words

that would tell you how much you mean to me.

Would that a poem could capture all that I feel.

But a poem is not enough...

Days when things were unbearable

you took me away and instead of tears,

I knew sunshine and it gave me courage

and bolstered me so I could face any upset.

And when I was indecisive you shook me

and made me wake up and sit up and DO

instead of lamenting lack of opportunities.

and I'm glad for that shake.

And you lifted a veil of mist and

made me see all that was around me

and I knew a world full of wonder and beauty

Then you showed me a world so

hungry for compassion and understanding

that I came to understand selflessness

and how giving washes away all past hurts

and cleanses one

And the tears we shed together

and the great sorrow we knew

and the comfort gave and got.

And that you loved me so, that you

desired for me what you desired for yourself...

And so I wish I knew how to spurn out those great words

that would tell you just how much you mean to me.

Death

Death is not the cold body laid out on a mocking mortuary table,

It is not the smiling corpse encased in a glowing coffin

Nor the hollow shell laid to ground beneath tearful eulogies

Rather it is the broken heart shattered by lies, the lack of warmth in your eyes

This, the absence of your love, … this is death

Bereft

Your image flashes before my eyes

and again I am torn apart.

But for my doubts and my half lies

I could still have had your heart.

Realizing too late what I had lost

I sought to beckon you in.

But the pain you knew was too high a cost,

now I suffer for my sin.

And I dread the day we meet again

and all affection is dead.

‘Cause in my heart I still retain

the love your heart has turned to lead.

So now I face our world you left

tired. cold. alone. … bereft.

Devotion

To the palms of my hands, and to the soles of my feet

have you laid your lips to speak your devotion

and I am puzzled that you think me deserving,

and I am frightened for you, for I will seek what is not in my grasp

here you stand before me, your world in your eyes, your life my gift

and I am moved beyond all else, still, I do not know that it is enough.

what is this love that poets speak of, that they immortalize,

that the strong have fought for, the weak have withered for?

Have I now become the fool who gives up all, questing for love

When that love may be this fool’s dream but never this dreamers’ reality

You speak of it, love, as if you know it, as if you believe it

I am the recipient of a devotion that this poet would die for.

… how strange that you have you found such love in me.

Obscured in mist

So dense I would loose myself were I to navigate.

Unearthly beauty beckons.

As with all things most dangerous

you whisper coldly for me to follow, invite me within.

And I am drawn as upon weightless clouds to enter

into your midst, knowing well that despair must follow.

And you are temptation, ethereal whispers, snatches

of long ago songs, half glimpsed shadows, …surreal

In my stomach

To me they turned faces etched with sympathy

for what I had lost and for what I had fought.

And yes, I fought, I fought for you,

I breathed for you, my heart beat for you.

But a Greater Power needed you and you had to go.

But they of the faces etched with sympathy

knew not what I knew,

That you were with me… with ME

Inside of me, in my stomach

Was it not I who carried you like a mother does her unborn child in her stomach?

That’s where you lay, inside of me. To comfort and pacify me until I could be strong for them again.

And when they whispered and stared and called me unfeeling because I shed no tear for you,

I forgave their lack of understanding because you were with ME, inside of me, in my stomach.

Inside the cocoon

I have thought about it, about you and I and it is wrong.

You are not with me and I am with another,

sharing all that we shared but sharing nothing we shared.

I am dead, still I remain silent inside the cocoon.

He asks what I am thinking, I say nothing and the

betrayal is as real as if I had followed my thoughts and flown to you.

But he loves me like you never could,

…he loves me like I dreamt you would.

And I love him, not at all. He knows.

But he holds me softly, he holds me carefully.

And … it is wrong.

Like Spirit

Touch the petal, to watch breath bated as it unfolds

and within find worlds unimaginable, untold

breath captured and held, hearts humbled by purity of sense.

a meeting of like spirits, at once unwished for and at once desired.

Still, an urge to glimpse down paths much travelled,

to wonder at which spring bursts forth this feast of senses.

yet glimpse not too long backwards and perchance miss the golden sparkle.

No… harry forth, look onwards to bask within radiance and be warmed within

for joy and wonderment sublime is discovered in proximity to the sun.

Watch unfolded

delve into darkness

ring surrounds a questioning twilight

to watch unfolded the miracle,

see unveiled the oracle -

the orb to the moonlight.

to focus, breath bated

to freeze the essence,

to capture ...

... to possess

This Wedding Day (For my husband Tom)

May this wedding day it rain

A thousand blessed drops to shower

The earth and raise palms of

Dates and olive groves

May this wedding day the honey and halwa

Flow like a river in heaven its golden

Streams sweetening every word

drowning any hurt or tear

May this wedding day there be dancing again

Of wives and their husbands and memories

of a clear day on a clear hill and garlands

in her hair and promise in his eyes

May this wedding day fill with joy and kindness

And your eye lay soft on the curve of my cheek

The shape of my lip the look in my eye

And my breath whisper your name tease the hair

In your neck and kiss your mouth

May this day, our wedding day be

the song we sing, the circle that does not end

To God’s door

Above the clouds where angels sigh

Sunlight strokes our faces, is captured in light

And we alone wander amidst aching beauty

Almost undone by the otherworldliness of this place

Till our souls, transcendent, are awash with closeness

And beyond welcoming waters, obscured by earths hold

Yet clear to the unchained, eternity beckons.

Here is where questing has led us, to Gods door.

Awash with reverence, wondered sighs to the Cherisher,

And all I am capable of, all I am made of, is this moment.

Gone

Where do you go when the light dies

When the sky darkens and the land is silent

When the wind is still and your heart beats no more

We are left fighting the good fight through days like eternities

Dreaming of you forgetting that you have left us calling your name expecting a reply

Do you think of that where you sleep?

Where are you?

Where are you?

I love you

These words I repeat so often I worry may begin to lose their meaning

Yet I say them all the more because something must capture what you mean

So appreciative because life’s radiance had flown to brighter skies and happiness

seemed a luxury trapped behind the prison of my sad face

You came and slowly the ice in my ribcage melted beneath your warm eyes

And your heart so curious and welcoming graciously issued me an invitation

To enter and make myself at home.

And I did.

Table Mountain

I saw you burn, go up in flame

Wild winds raged, stoking your fires

Angry and immortal like the battles above great Olympus.

And no opposing force could stand in their path to diverge your destiny.

Nights and mornings untold rained down your black tears

Into hair homes dreams into every crevice

clogging all thought and slowing our steps.

And you in your palanquin of mist lay hidden while we watched scared,

waiting to see how you would end, dreading dying for

the charred husk, all that remained of your ravishment.

Noodle Bar

Noodles, slimy like the entrails of a three year relationship glint up at me,

winking beneath the harsh electric light above, clashing and glaring against an eastern sky.

How is it that you won’t go away when all is dead and buried and has been for years.

Am I what keeps you here, captive in the walls of my mind, with an anger that will not be appeased.

Sixty days

I am coming. I will be there soon. In sixty days.

In sixty days I will know your laugh again,

secretly steal breaths from you as you dream,

trace the history of your face with my fingertips

and give thanks for something that is real.

The start of a life with you, resuming a life with you. In sixty days.